Scene 1:
You see your phone ringing...you pick it up and glance at the name. It's a friend that you weren't expecting a call from. The thought crosses your mind, "If I pick up my phone, they will surely think that I was just sitting here, with nothing better to do, twiddling my thumbs and just waiting for someone to call me. If I let it ring and make them leave a voicemail, then I wait just the right amount of time, and call them back when I "finish" whateverpressingthingIamdoingthatmakesmefeelreallyimportant. Then they won't think I am totally uncool." So you let the phone keep ringing, and grin at how cool you must seem to that person who so desperately wants to reach you.
Scene 2:
You're invited to a party. The invitation says the event starts at 8. You glance at your planner for that evening: totally free. "...hm. Well obviously, I can't go right at 8. If I go at 8, it will be so obvious that I had nothing else going on that night. I have to at least make it appear like I had many other plans that I just happened to squeeze this party in. In fact, maybe I should look for something else to do that evening also so that I can say "oh, I have plans, but I'll try to stop by!" That will make me seem so much more legit, and will prove my popularity as I try to juggle more than one social event in one evening. I wouldn't want anyone to think that they are my only option. Who only has one thing to go to on any given evening?? And who the heck goes on time? LAME people. That's who." Back to the planner...Party: 9:30. Check."
True or False: You have done something like this before.
I confess: True.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, though. It seems like an epidemic among young people today. We all have to create and prove our image. Our legitimacy is proven by the busyness of our schedules. It's always a competition. Who got the least amount of sleep, who has the least amount of free time, who has the biggest variety of commitments pulling them in different directions, etc. I fully admit that I have fallen into this trap. I catch myself in it and I almost laugh. Why is it that when someone admits that they took a nap, I proudly chime in, "NAP?? I haven't taken a nap in YEARS. Gosh, I wish I had time for a nap! I can't even imagine what that feels like! You're so lucky." And then secretly, inside, I pat myself on the back and feel pride at how busy my schedule is that I get to complain about not being able to nap.
What is with this? Why do we feel the need to prove that our lives are self sufficient, and with all of our commitments. And relationships? Eh. If we happen to be able to fit them in, then they get lucky to have a few moments of our precious time (usually while still checking email and texts from all our other important acquaintances while giving less-than-full amount of attention to those we are actually with.) It's really sad to me.
I have been living in IC for almost two years now, and this has been a struggle of mine. I came home and realized I hardly knew anyone. When friends from college would ask me how I was adjusting, my response was always "Well I just decided when I moved back, I wouldn't really need friends. I really just want to hang out with my family. I don't need girlfriends here, I'm fine!" While there is some truth to this statement (I mean, seriously, my family is the coolest), I have lately began asking myself if it is really that simple.
However...do I really not need friends? Was choosing that mindset just a lot easier than admitting that I really do need friends, and even seeking them out? I mean come on, how cool is someone who says "Hi, I'm Rachel. I just moved back to Iowa, and I don't have any friends. Would you like to be my friend?" Of course, I developed some friend crushes (people I viewed from a distance that I thought would be fun friends, but surely they were too cool and already had too much of an established social life to be my friend, so I just silently friend-crushed on them). But I have almost purposefully kept myself at a distance from these crushes, because it helped boost my pride to still give the appearance that I don't need any friends.
But is all of this just an effort to prove super-humanness? Are we all trying to maintain images that deny how we are wired? That we don't need to rest, to relax, to unwind, to reflect, to relate. Who are we kidding? I think we would all verbally admit that introverted and extroverted alike, we all have the need for these things. We all have needs that are not being met in the jam packed lives we live. So we seek out more. And usually, we seek out good things! We work, volunteer, work out, have hobbies, etc. These are all good things. But there is no limit. Our lives are filled to the RIM. And while we may have "friends", do we spend the kind of time with them to really know each other? To know each other on a level that is slightly uncomfortable because the parts of our lives that we are not proud of have to be exposed? What about really pouring both our time and our minds into those that we volunteer with, rather than fulfilling the time amount and rushing off to the next thing?
I believe that people fill their lives so much because they want to do all of the good things available to us! But do you think that perhaps we could do more good if we did less? What if our image was wrapped up in doing a deeper level of good rather than simply doing more? In order for this to happen, it would require being more present, which would require us to eliminate some of the things we have to think about to stay afloat. With 18 different things in my schedule in any given day, how can I think about ONE thing? Our minds can not be truly engaged in what we are doing, when we have to process all the things we just did and still have to do that day. What if we spent the time away from work, reflecting, strategizing, and planning how to be better the next day? And what if we were intentional in our relationships and spent the time with people truly engaging, listening, and understanding each other, and when we aren't with them, thinking of ways to encourage them, sharpen them, love them, etc.
What do you think? Do you set limits in your life? If so, how? Do you ever catch your image being wrapped up in your level of busyness? I encourage you to be mindful of this. I have found it to be very revealing as I have been more aware of my intentions (and by "revealing", I mean....revealing that I suck at this). I have found that although I know that I need others, I will make it appear that I don't, for the sake of image. And although I want to take a day off from working out, I won't, for the sake of image. And when I could add another volunteer violin gig but know that I shouldn't give up another evening at home that I really need to prepare for the week....I will, for the sake of image. So clearly, I have some work to do.
What are your thoughts? Talk to me!
8 comments:
Yeah so allthose times you call and I don't answer, I just want you to think that I am actualy saving kittens from trees and helping little old ladies carry grocerie home. I even went back overthis post and added a few speling erros to make it appear like I really didn't have the time to comment, but I did anyway - and you're lucky for that. Gotta go rescue another kitten!
Well, I feel like you're describing my weekend.! Can't help but feel this post was inspired by me... I've never done this as motivation to feel cool at all. If anything it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. But I do agree with the experience you described. What I'VE felt like from other friends, is that we all so badly want to commit to everything and everyone, and there are times when we really just can't. I have friends cancel on me and I'd rather they just tell me up front that they can't.
Also, I've made it my goal this year to make the first move with new friends. I realized, most people want to be friends. So, I just ask "want to be friends?".
LYLAS ;)
Liz,
1- NOT inspired by anyone in particular, other than myself.
2- I agree. Often we WANT to do all of these good things. But the realization is that almost 100% of the time, the more we try to fit in, the less we actually do well. We skim the surface with all of these well-meaning things, but have little lasting affect anywhere, because we aren't able to pour much of ourselves into it.
3- I agree - I would rather people tell me upfront if they can't do something than let me plan on it and back out last minute. I do it too though. When asked, I figure I can fit one more thing in, and then when it comes, I am exhausted or mentally distracted. Most of the time, I press through and refuse to make an excuse to not do something that I said I would (even if I'm only half engaged while doing it, so I may as well not do it at all). If I had boundaries to begin with, I could maybe spare myself (and others) from this. Just because something is good, doesn't mean we have to or should do it. I just have to have set limits, because I am a poor judge of what is wise in the moment.
4- I'll have to try to be as bold as you when I move! "Do you want to be friends?" will have to become a common question of mine for a long time!
Liz, I'm glad you're comfortable making the first move with friends. It's hard when you're the new one! I also think its hard when you realize that a situation isn't permanent. I, like Rachel, have decided that my time at home would be best spent hanging out with my family rather than making new friends. It's a tough call, because we DO need friends in our lives.... but my closest friends aren't right here in Iowa City. Is it better to continue to invest in them, see them when I can, have skype dates, etc. than try to find new friends for the short time that I'm here? It's a tricky situation.
Rach, I agree about filling our time, but I don't know if it's about creating a sense of importance for ourselves. I think we are just a generation that wants to do it all and realistically thinks that we can. The endless options make it so that we try to fit in as much as we can rather than investing our time more deeply in a few specific things. Even with travel while living abroad- I find myself going to as many different places as I can- fitting in as much as possible, rather than just living in the city (or country) where I am. The excitement of the possibility is difficult to turn down, especially considering that it won't always be there. I don't know that one is better or worse- but it's a choice as to what kind of experience you want to have.
Yes, the temporary thing is definitely the case. I haven't felt like I needed friends because I could hold onto my college friends and knew I would be leaving soon. But I could look at all of life like that - who knows how long you'll be anywhere! So at what point do you decide it is worth it to "invest"? It is really hard. It takes a lot of time and energy, and is difficult to know when it is necessary to do that.
Sarah I definitely agree. It is multifaceted. I think what you're saying and what I am saying are intertwined. Because our culture encourages and almost expects everyone to have the same value of doing as much as you can, if you don't, your image is very affected. If you don't have consistent plans with friends, you're "antisocial", rather than just wise with your time. Because we CAN do so much, with really no limits, we feel the pressure to. Because things are at our fingertips, why would we NOT pack everything in, seeing and experiencing as much as we can? What if that isn't ultimately the most fulfilling way to live? It is actually an addicting way to live - you do/see a little bit, and then you realize how much more there is to do/see. But does it leave us satisfied? Does it produce lasting affects and lasting relationships? Or are we people just skimming the surface of everything in life, and gathering a bunch of ankle-deep experiences rather than fulling diving in? While limits appear to feel "limiting", could they actually serve to be more freeing?
Great post Rach!I don't feel like I can relate as much in terms of my situation now; I find myself saying no to things a lot more often than I normally would (because I'm intimidated by the language skills the situation will require, or because I'm tired and overwhelmed by culture in general)and I actually have to force myself to say yes to opportunities! But, when I'm in the States I definitely struggle with busyness.
I really like what you commented to Sarah: While limits appear to feel "limiting", could they actually serve to be more freeing?
This is one of the main things my counselor kept bringing up my senior year. She would encourage me, when I'm faced with yet another possible volunteer opportunity or social event or experience, to think less about what I'm saying no to, but to think about what I'm saying yes to by saying no, as in, yes to rest, yes to balance, yes to being able to invest more in the things I'm already involved in. She also encouraged me to plan in times of rest in my schedule and stick to them. I used to feel like if I didn't have specific plans for a certain time then I didn't have the right to say if someone asked me to do something at that time, even if I was feeling totally exhausted and overwhelemed, but if I plan in time to rest, paint, read, knit or whatever, then when someone asks "Hey! Are you free Thursday at 5?" I can honestly say, "No, actually, I'm not, I've been planning on just having a night of rest."
It's definitely hard though, I hate the idea of missing out on something, especially, as Sarah said, something that might only be possible once.
And saying no to busyness is definitely, as you're pointing out, a countercultural move! But you've never been afraid to be countercultural :) You can do it!
Love you girl!
Rach, good thoughts! I love what your counselor said - to think more about the things you are saying yes to by saying "no". That is really true. I think that our image/reputation has become dependent on how much we have done/seen, that we sometimes forget that our identity is not wrapped up in how much we have accomplished (check out this massive list of countries i have been to!!! And here's this giant list of races that I am training for... etc.), even if the accomplishments would be good things.
I think we need to start encouraging and respecting one another for approaching life in a more balanced and healthy way, that includes time for intentional reflection of the things we pour our time and energy into. I think people subconsciously fear disrespect if they don't do as much. Since our culture has made it possible to do everything in life, we feel guilty if we DON'T. There is subtle pressure on everyone to do more, more, more, because it's EASY to! It leads to an extremely fast paced and full life, which sadly too often leads to having less of an effect on those around us.
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